Hello, I am nameless
by lovexanonymousx
Summary: This is the diary of a pregnant young teenager. This is my story. These are my problems. This is my mixed up outlet. Please, help me. Keep reveiwing and don't give up on me ! Love always.
1. Prologue

This is basically serving as a diary. I'm a pregnant teenager who needs an outlet to speak on anonymously. I hope you do enjoy reading this. I named my diary Shrek because it's a gender neutral name and I haven't really figured out the sex of the baby. Well, since month one is over I've began to separate my chapters into months instead of entries so that's why there will be so few chapters throughout the story. These also have my regular life issues and everything I need to release to the world. I hope you enjoy, please review ! I thank God for my blessing every day of my life and I will forever.

Love always.


	2. June Entries:1 through 8

Dear Shrek,

June 9th, 2010: **Some lessons aren't learned**

I am young. I've been through the regular issues that all average teenage girls deal with. I'm really nothing special. I don't need to be. I'm my own person, so I am unique. Yes, unique and special are two different things, at least in my eyes. Now, I have a problem. A problem that I am way too scared to share with anyone. No matter how scary this situation is, I am more than ready to step up. I know that I can do this because I know I am strong. The people whom are now in my life have made me strong. I've become a confident person and now I can believe I can do anything, even conquer this challenge. I am more than willing to except my God-given challenge, and I'm ready for it. Before this is "over" it will be straining and difficult. This is definitely going to add so much extra stress onto the people around me, although they don't deserve it. I do not wish this problem away, I just wish that I could deal with it alone and have it effect no one else. That is an impossible task. I hope this problem doesn't change the opinions of the people whom I care about because I'm not ready to lose anyone else in my life. I do understand that people who find out are going to judge me, and I can deal with that. No one can truly understand this, except for the people who have also gone through this. Unfortunately, I do not know anyone who has experienced the same problem as me. Well, I know of some people but none of them are close enough to me so I would never open up to them, or pursue their advice. As each day of this passes I wish more and more for someone whom I can really reach out to, open up to, and release all of this baggage. All I can do instead, is write it all down and share it with whomever reads this in my future. Right now, all I have are myself and God for I leave everyone else in the shadows in some way. Even my boyfriend. I always wish I could spend every minute of every day with him because not only does he distract me and make me happy, but he knows about this situation I got myself into and I know he's willing to help. But we have two different opinions on it, so talking to him about it always makes me more scared and even more confused. I need a sign, a God-given sign but I guess I will have to wait and I am willing to do so. I guess I have to be. Today is only day six of my problem, so it can still go away. Before I am certain in my own mind I will wait nine days. The only way to be truly certain is to take a test, but I am much too nervous to do that, and it's too early right now. I just wish I could be certain without the test, without all the trouble but I can't, it's just not possible. Then, comes the step of admitting it to others, and that is going to be the worst stage of them all, thank God I have a lot of time to wait. One more thank you to God, for giving me such a beautiful blessing.

Love always.

* * *

Dear Shrek,

June 10th, 2010: **Freedom paired with insanity**

Today is day number seven. The first week is done. It's been pretty easy to hide so far, since there are no noticeable symptoms. I'm amazed at the fact that I haven't totally broken down yet. I have strength, but I've been going through more than just this issue although it would probably be enough to cause a breakdown. I've distanced myself from everyone, which angers my friends into ditching me which only brings me closer to my other friends. I'm also trying to turn back into the good person I used to be, and it is actually kind of difficult. But I know I can do this, I can take on anything. I can only count on two people entirely: God, and myself. Classes are over after today, although there's still two weeks of exams. I hope I'll still be able to find enough to distract me from thoughts of all of this. But it's all I've been thinking about ever since my boyfriend pointed it out as an issue. Yet, I still don't know how I really think about it. I'm scared but I'm ready for it, which just causes confusion and stress. I can at least read all my yearbook signatures and they show me that I am a carefree person who can really laugh and ignore the problem before it all gets blown out of proportion. In my eyes, I really don't see it as a problem but in the eyes of others it is usually seen as one, and I also have no other word for it that doesn't tell you what it is. There isn't anything I can do to change it now. I could never get rid of this, cause it's mine. This is going to get a whole lot worse before it can even start to get better, but there's a light at the end of every tunnel. This problem may be the darkness at first but in the end, it will also be the light. For now, all I can do is keep on writing and keep myself healthy and strong. There is no better way for me to release all these bottled up emotions besides writing, so that's what I will do, write. Every single day I will write, so I can release the pain every day. So I don't have to relapse into old habits. Just bare with me, here. I'll even let you guess what it is. Everything reminds me of my boyfriend. That isn't really a bad thing because I love thinking about him but then I think of all of this, and then I just get more and more scared. It scares me what he thinks and says about it, since I don't think I feel the same way. Love and strength are the only two things that are going to help me now, so I will embrace the love and strength that I have and that I am given and I will get through this mess, with a smile on my face. One last thank you to God for my amazing blessing.

Love always.

* * *

Dear Shrek,

June 11th, 2010: **Maybe I can do this**

Day eight, cool. I actually distracted myself very well for a lot of the day, although it seemed to come up a lot everywhere I was. I think I'm becoming more comfortable thinking about it, I'm still not quite there with talking about it. Even writing this down makes my stomach ache. We thought up some cute wittle names for it today, even though we never really came up with a definite one, we couldn't even if we wanted to. I'm hoping you've figured out what it is by now, since I think I've made it slightly obvious, if not keep reading and maybe you'll figure it out. Back to my point, somehow the manner became a full blown family conversation (none of them knew about my experiences with it, of course) and spending time with my boyfriend really got my mind off of things, even though we discussed it. I think I'm slowly becoming more open to talking about this, but only with him. I'm still way too scared to actually tell someone else. I've avoided saying the word a whole eight days. Today I've also learned a lot about God's strength and I've realized that this is his test for me, and I know I can do this, well only with His help, but I can really be successful at this, no matter how young I may be. I just hope he doesn't take it away during my next seven days to certainty, or even any day after that. I think my boyfriend and I are praying in two separate directions but I've been disappointed (in a sense) by this more than once (not blaming God, it obviously just was not the right time) and now He's gotten my hopes up for an entire eight days, and if this ended tomorrow or any day after that, I would probably cry, actually I would definitely cry. It's a reasonable reaction in my eyes, and that's all that really matters to me. Although my boyfriend is worried about me and about all of this I know he won't leave because of it. Even if he wanted to, which he thankfully doesn't. When everything is certain and straightened out, he'll really come around. As it progresses, they all will. Maybe all the judgmental minds will seize or at least keep to themselves. I'm still stuck in the middle on how I feel but now I know I can't go on without this. Right now would be the perfect time for me to have someone to go to for real advice, cause writing it down just gets me all worked up. I just need some real advice, and that's the one thing I can't really have. Oh, one last thanks to God for this amazing blessing, We love you.

Love always.

* * *

Dear Shrek,

June 18, 2010: **Improvements**

Well, over the past few days I've been busy. So, it's day 16. I don't even care about making this obvious I'm pretty much telling you right now. It's been two weeks since the day my period was supposed to come… too bad it didn't. I don't think it's really sunken in yet that I could be pregnant. But I can at least think about it now without freaking out. I actually had sex with my boyfriend a few days ago, well it got cut short by some cute visitors, but I didn't mind. I've been thinking of how I could break the news to my parents without making it awkward or staged. We've decided that we're not going to tell them until I miss my second period, but six weeks from the day we think it conceived is two days before I'm supposed to go camping and I don't really want to ruin that, so I might wait until I get back from that. And yes, I am making my boyfriend tell them with me, I could never do that alone. I've been taking the complete vitamins and the iron vitamins that my eating disorder sister bought herself. My doctor told me to eat a Tums everyday because of my lack of calcium, but I've forgotten to do that for the past like month and a half… oops. I'm actually really scared. But it all really feels so surreal. Like, it just seems like this would never happen to me. I mean I've lived a relatively fortunate life, so this is something I would've never expected to get myself into. I might decide to tell my parents BEFORE we go camping, cause I think I want the entire family to know, but I'm not too sure. Ugh, I don't know what to do, all of this is extremely overwhelming. I wake up every morning feeling like I'm going to throw up everything I ate the day before and if I go like five hours without eating I get super light headed and I feel like I'm either going to puke or pass out. Sometimes I get headaches, especially when I run around and do physical stuff, and my stomach hurts a lot of the time. Boredom has probably made all of this even worse since if I'm not with my boyfriend, then I'm not doing anything else. I'm always just chilling out in my house, watching all the shows on the DVR. People who I used to be friends with are starting all this shit with me and I'm just done with all these stupid people acting like they know me and they know why I've been the way I am. But I don't want anyone knowing I'm pregnant. I don't think I even believe it yet. Everyday I feel like my periods going to come, and every day I have the relief of knowing it hasn't. This is a blessing to me and to my boyfriend and both of our families, but it's going to be difficult as time goes on. I've been really trying to eat well and not put too much pressure on my stomach and such. I hope I really am pregnant cause even though it hasn't sunken in fully I really feel like this is part of me, and I wouldn't want to lose it. I would never ever get an abortion because like I said it's a part of me, and I just think that's horrible. But if someone wants to get an abortion I would never judge them, or blame them. My boyfriend and I have been doing very athletic things like playing soccer, basketball, and other sports games and he also wants me to go running with him soon, which is going to kill me since I'm a terrible runner as it is, then the pressure of this baby is going to make it more difficult, but I'm up for the challenge. If it means I stay more fit and gain less weight it sounds perfect to me, since I eat all the time, I really need exercise. One last thank you to God, I love you and thank you for this amazing blessing. For some reason I keep thinking it's going to be a girl, even though part of me is hoping for a boy.

Love always.

* * *

June 18, 2010**: Shitty Friends**

Fuck everyone. I don't really care right now. I have my boyfriend's sister, who used to be my best friend running her mouth at him about me, about how he'll get tired of me, how no one likes me. She makes shit up like I talk shit about his family, when I've never disrespected her family, I'm not rude. I bet she's the one who got him thinking I'm cheating on him, which I'm also not. I love that kid more than anything in the world. She even tried to make him look bad to me saying shit about him when we were still friends, that he hung out with this one girl and all this shit. Ugh, I just hate her and if she ever tries to be fake with me I will rip her fucking gross hair out of her fat fucking head. She follows around her new best friend like a lost puppy dog, it's pathetic. She's so two-faced to everyone and I'm glad we're not friends anymore. Also, my other old best friend thinks it's cute to talk shit about me on her facebook and formspring. It's lame as hell. She goes off blaming my boyfriend for me not wanting to talk to her and she definitely writes all this shit on her own page anonymously about me or her being so pretty. God she's so dumb. She tries to deny talking shit about me, when people tell me all the stuff she's said about me to them. I wish we still weren't friends, but of course she has no one else to be close with and I really just don't want her in my life anymore, and I hope now that's all been cleared up. She's seriously like the worst friend ever and she says she's not bitchy anymore but she's actually really two-faced and bitchy. she talks shit about so many people and then tries to say she's nice. Whatever I'm done with both of them, I've moved on to better friends.

Love always.

* * *

Dear Shrek,

June 21, 2010: **Mistake**

I'm starting to lose track of the days now, but I mark every single one with an X on my calendar. All I ever do is eat, all day every day. I feel fat and disgusting now, all the time. I hate it. I made a mistake yesterday. I had a drink, a long island iced tea. My dumb cousin who made it doesn't know how to do it correctly, she filled up the whole shot glass, past the line and did the same for the sweet and sour. I had also drank some of her drink, so it wasn't like all I had was my pretty large drink. It's not like I got drunk though. I'm pretty sure it's different for everyone, but being pregnant gives me a headache every time I wake up and when I go too long without eating I feel sick to my stomach, but every time I eat in the morning I feel like I'm going to puke it all up. So after I drank and then woke up and I thought I was going to die, it was so bad. Now I'm scared it's going to mess up my child, which scares me every minute of the day and I regret it so much. My cousin wished me a happy father's day, even though I'm a girl. So, I passed it on to my boyfriend. Overall the day was pretty disappointing, but it's better than today so far. All I've done is chill, take an exam, and now sit at home and wait for someone to come home and take me to my boyfriends house. I hate that he lives so far away cause I would be able to see him easier. I'm still really hungry, but now that I'm like pregnant I only eat by cravings. Oh well, I could go without a meal for now anyways. Yesterday I did decent for exercise, I ran around the block twice and I swam a bunch of laps. I am the worst runner around. I thought I was going to die when I ran, because it burns my throat if I breathe through it so I would breathe through my nose but my nose was all plugged up from allergies. I'm starting to feel like a lot more of a part of the family at my boyfriend's house, since it seemed like they all hated me before. Kimberley Caldwell is really pretty. I love watching 'When I was 17' cause it's interesting. Well, I know this really isn't about the baby, but it's an amazing blessing and I thank God every day for it.

Love always.

* * *

Dear Shrek,

June 24, 2010**: Certainty isn't always sane**

My date is set. July seventh. I have to tell my them about all of this before that day. I'm going to tell you why, even if you don't care with every fiber of your being. If you don't care like that then you might as well just stop reading this. The reason I have to tell them is because I have to get a shot on the eighth. The third HPV shot. They asked me before the first one the woman asked me, "do you plan on having sex within the next six months?" My answer: "No," The honest answer: "Yes," What happened the next day? I planned on having sex with my boyfriend. At the OBGYN that day I had my very first missed period. I was a virgin so I had no worries at all. I knew the reason I didn't have my period, it was because I stopped taking my birth control so my period was off schedule. Why did I stop taking birth control? I knew it was a risk to smoke and take it, so instead of stopping the worse of the two habits, I stopped the pill. That was one mistake through all of this. Has anyone kept track of my mistakes? I sure as hell have not. I'm sure there are many that I haven't even written down. My biggest fear through all of this is still the same: telling my parents. This whole thing sucks, entirely. My emotions are insane. I feel like I have some form of BPD and it makes me feel so disorganized and vulnerable. That is what I hate the most. Vulnerability. My boyfriend still wants to have sex, which makes me feel gross. I hate being touched and when he tries to "make advances" it just makes me feel so uncomfortable. I lash out at him, but he understands. That helps me. He understands. He loves me with everything he has, and I love him the exact same way. We make sacrifices for each other, no matter how difficult that is. I know what love is, no matter what anyone says. The only good thing I've had come out of this whole thing so far is I started eating vitamins. I don't feel good, at all anymore. I feel fat, bloated, nauseas and disgusting. That's how it will be for the next eight months, since month number one is practically over. I'm excited to know more about this though. For some reason I keep thinking it's a girl, but I want it to be a boy. Either way I'll be happy, as long as my baby is healthy. So, everyday I thank the Lord for this blessing and all the lessons I learn throughout this experience.

Love always.

* * *

Dear Shrek,

June 27, 2010: **Random Troubles**

Well, I feel pretty weird. My boyfriend decided maybe we could pick ten names and then on whatever minute the baby is born, use that name. I didn't understand it at first. Then he explained it and it made a lot more sense, so in case you don't understand I will explain to you. Let's say 1 is Carissa Marie, 0 is Marianna Anne, 4 is Christine Emilia and the baby was born at 4:34 then the baby would be named Christine Emilia, but if the baby was born at 6:30 the baby would be named Marianna Anne, and so on… (no, those aren't actual names for our kids. We haven't come up with those yet. Any suggestions?) I thought it was a good idea, I mean it's creative and different and that's what I like. I'm not one of those girls who wants the guy who acts all cool, I want someone who will be himself and that's what I got. My boyfriend told my stomach, well the baby, "I love you" and it made me so happy. Now more than ever I keep freaking out about this. Family is coming up soon and I don't want to deal with this while they're here, but I can't get the shot if there's a risk of it hurting my baby. Ugh, so I used my new lifesaver, Google, and what did it tell me? HPV shots are not recommended for people who are pregnant, fuck. I don't want to tell my mom. We've also decided I tell my mom, she tells my dad and then they're supposed to tell my boyfriend's parents, even though they won't. So, we have to tell them ourselves. That scares me. I'm more scared of being seen as a whore in his parents' eyes than in my own because I know my own parents love me no matter what, his won't. His sister's pregnant too, although she's in her 20's so it's not bad for her, although she's not married either. That kind of makes me feel better, but not really. This whole thing is too much for me already, I'm happy and excited but I don't know how to let people know. Especially since my sister's always around, like 100% of the time, and I don't want to hear her input on this, cause she's judgmental and I know she'll have stuff to say about it. I don't want to answer the simple questions like: did you use a condom? who cares? I'm fucking pregnant. when did this happen? June 28th how many times have you done it? who cares? I'm fucking pregnant. where did you do it? my bedroom. where were we? at work/ school. why was he here? I was lonely. ugh, who cares? honestly it happened. I'm not putting it up for adoption, I'm not getting an abortion, nothing. I'm keeping it. It's rightfully mine. I feel like it's a part of me already, even after one month. I still mark each day on my calendar. I don't want to buy a test either, but I think it might be a decent idea. I almost threw up this morning. Worst experience ever. Oh my God I was freaking out I went and I laid on the bathroom floor, then walked and sat on the cold basement floor and looked at my clean laundry. I think my parents are starting to get suspicious of me, but I almost never tell them "I don't feel good," like I used to. I just can't. I feel like if I say how my stomach bothers me they'll ask why and then it will all come out all wrong. I wish my sister would get the fuck out of the house and my dad would go to work or find something to do and then I could tell her. but I'm so scared. I hate thinking about it. I want to like text her or email her, but then I would be too scared to face her after. She would probably think I was kidding. ugh, I think I might just die. I'm sorry this probably isn't even worth reading, so if anyone's still reading this thank you and if you could, I obviously need advice. I'm in over my head here. It's fucking crazy. But, I still thank God for the amazing blessing that I've been given and I would never give it up for anything in the world.

Love always.


	3. July Entries

**Dear Shrek, **

**July 5, 2010: I'm a coward**

I've done well so far. No drinks for me. Turned down multiple beer offers, and I avoided eating the pudding shots that were forced at me repeatedly. For once, I overcame the task that God has set forth for me. Now, the worst part. The part I am most terrified of. I have to tell my mother. I have decided to do it in the most cowardly way possible. I've decided that while she's at work I'm going to text her and tell her, so it can sink in a little before she comes home and kills me. Of course I wouldn't send it until she was about to leave, so I wouldn't distract her from her work. I'm so scared though. I wish she didn't have to know, I don't want her to cry. I don't want to discuss this with my parents. But God's going to help me, he's going to use his hand to guide me through my day and help me through the situation and this entire thing. It just scares me because I don't know how they'll react. Especially when I tell her that I'm not getting the shot on Thursday. Everything is happening too fast. Family just came in for the holiday and stuff, then all this, then I go camping for a week on the 11th and I'm so not prepared yet. My phone doesn't work, my hair straightener is shot to hell. Also, I don't want my parents to worry about me, I mean they already have to deal with my anorexic sister who's a real handful. But I love her and I want them to keep their concentration on her, I've done perfectly well thus far. I just want them to get me a doctor's appointment cause I still can't believe this. I still think it's not true. I missed my period for the second month though, it was supposed to come yesterday. It didn't, of course. All of this is too much for me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do for school, I can't go to school looking like a whale. I don't want my friends knowing, but I want to hangout with them. So I don't know. I'm hating pregnancy in the summer, it's so hot all the time. Today was worst, by far. My family met Adam, sort of. He was there and they saw him, but only my aunt introduced herself. He told me he didn't want to be introduced. I'm scared about who my mom's going to tell and who's all going to know. I like making lists. I'm going to do that until I get really tired and fall asleep. Then I'll wake up and be ready to screw myself over, BIG TIME. Thanks to the Lord once again for this amazing blessing and I hope that you can guide me through the rough times like you've been doing thus far. Thank you. 

Love always.


End file.
